You, fools! Way to fall for a clickbait trap.
I know, I know. I should not call my extremely small fan base names. (By fans I mean: people who have literally run out of internet to read while waiting at the doctor’s office or bullshitting on the clock at work, so they click my link on social media—those fans. Oh, and my mom.) Readers nonetheless, so I should watch whom I insult.
Unapologetically, I have high hopes for my adoring fans. Believing in your open-mindedness, I assume you are eager to learn about this world through my knowledgeable blogs. Instead, I’m struck with the reality that most everyone is a sucker for porno spam. I came to terms with it and accept that fact, therefore in recognition of your needs, I will be including photos of insanely attractive, amazing-bodied, beautiful, nearly nude people on this post to keep you satisfied.
Let’s get to it! My brother-in-law, Seth, who will probably never read my blog, is actually the brains behind this post idea. We were driving together and he asked about my writings, and I explained that I had a new concept in the works. Instead of going through the intricacies of my thoughts and plans, he quickly interrupted me—wondering if I was going to write about the reason nude beaches are overrated. Not absolutely certain how that man’s brain operates; I was a little confused this was his go-to subject. However, I did laugh and made it abundantly clear to him that my idea no longer mattered—not after his accidental suggestion. My sister is going to be so mad when she finds out that Seth and I were talking about nudity, muaha!
I have compiled a list of reasons why nude beaches are not worth the hype. Hear me out.
People are inherently unattractive as a whole. The human race is just not that good looking; we are all ugly. I am 31 and I have kissed 3 boys in my life. Two of them were highly intoxicated, and that was enough to con them into making out with me—score! If you do the math—err I will, that is one man for each decade of my life who found me attractive enough to kiss. The odds are not in our favor; the majority is not pretty.
Have you ever been to the local pool or lake and noticed some old, wrinkly man wearing a Speedo? It always happens; we all have this memory at some point in our life. This is not a coincidence my friends. This is the majority, most of us look like that! All the power to these people—have confidence, do your thing, and wear that Speedo with pride.
Consider, though, being at that lake and you can be nude. A bunch of those men are going to be there, but they will not be wearing their skimpy, little bottoms. These dudes will be straight freeballin’. You want to see that? Let’s imagine the local YMCA is too packed to get your daily laps in, so you take a dive into the local lake only to be blinded by aged-knobs and nut sacks. Nude beaches are overrated. (Do not feel differently of me just because you saw that Speedo-sportin’ lad drunk and kissing me! It was ONCE and I was ten!)
Ima gun-totin’ American! I love violence & war, smokin’ & drinkin’, but you damn well better not be whippin’ out no twigs n’ berries, twats n’ titties in front of me! Was that a good hillbilly accent via text? Those are decent euphemisms, at the very least, give me that.
Truthfully, Americans are extremely prude. This is a generalization, but in all matters relating to sex and nudity, we simply do not feel comfortable. We just have a different mentality about nudity than the rest of the world.
Once on a train in London, I saw a newspaper with a woman’s naked body on the front. I have no idea what the article was in regards to, but I was actually shocked that it made the front page, knowing it would be deemed inappropriate in the USA—medical article or not.
That may also be the reason why my English friend, Georgina, warned me about her roommate while I was staying with them in Australia. G explained that her friend enjoys being nude most of the time in her own home—fair enough. Although, she figured I would feel some discomfort with that—she was not wrong. If you want to walk around Australia in the nude and your name is not Travis Fimmel, I am not interested; I am actually offended! (You are welcome ladies for the overwhelming joy you will feel after Google image searching “Travis Fimmel”.)
In Iceland, swimming pools are the local hangout spot, and you never want to make a trip up North without visiting one. Cleanliness is very important, so you must shower naked in the locker room and wash yourself completely before putting on your bathing suit. Locker room attendants make sure of this, so there is no way to avoid being in the buff in front of everyone. (The Blue Lagoon is the exception. Do not cancel that $200 Wowair, round-trip flight just yet, miss prude.)
As an American, I cannot describe how peculiar this concept was to me. You want me to clean myself before entering a public facility, and you are going to monitor that I actually do it? Whoa, whoa that is just gross! I would sooner walk down the street and watch people shooting dope and robbing a liquor store at gunpoint, and still feel less intimidated than everyone seeing me naked. Why? Uhh, maybe because it’s not natural—idiots! (Sorry—again, just stop being so dense.)
My friend Jaclyn and I had to do the childish, “You go first, No, you go first.” when it came to stripping down, and showering in the locker room, in front of maybe two old women, tops. Who, by the way, could not have cared any less that we even existed, and probably had more to be self-conscious about than we did. It does not matter, though, I am an American prude.
What if this was on a beach? Ahhh, hell no! I do not want to shower in front of complete strangers, do you actually think I want to risk sun-bathing nude when one of my family members could show up, even a co-worker, or Seth with my sister?! Awkward! No, thank you. Everyone knows I am way too strait-laced for public nudity. Shit, I don’t even swear. Never been drunk, and I would never tell a lie. Nude beaches are overrated.
People cannot help but stare. Sometimes a person talks to you and they have a booger in their nose, or a piece of kale—some sort of healthy-greenery shit stuck in their tooth. Likely, you say nothing but cannot stop gawking at it. Better example: a giant, cystic pimple on a nose. Those things are just screaming, “Look at me!”
Now, think of when a woman has huuuuge boobs and her cleavage is in your face and you try not to look, but you cannot help yourself. Or the guy that gets a boner in sweatpants. You cannot turn away—JUST TRY! That is a funny one. (This actually happened to a guy in college that had to give a surprise presentation. The class was surprised, too! I’m still talking about it ten years later. He washed his humiliation away with booze, got drunk, and madeout with 20-year-old me. After he awoke and got one look at me, he felt worse than when his boner presentation finished.)
Do you actually think you will be any different on a beach, and just suddenly stop looking at things that are out of the ordinary? Fat chance.
Let us say for instance, you come across a beach with loads of insanely good looking people. I have been to enough beaches to know that this is just not commonplace, as stated previously, everyone is ugly—everywhere. Also, I live at the ocean and go to the beach everyday, I have a good grasp on beach-goers. We must make an exception, though, for places like Bondi Beach in Sydney. Bondi is a real life episode of Baywatch. Hunks are all around, yes, I said hunks because that is what they are. Big Lebanese men are doing push-ups and flexing on the sidewalk. Blonde bombshells are roller skating or doing some other ridiculous sport that they think makes them look pretty, and they do.
So, you are laying and feeling like you want to pop those ta-ta’s out to get a tan and look like the rest of the Australians. Next thing you know, boobs out, basking in the sun, your best friend’s boyfriend wants to come hangout. Do you think that dude is not ogling at you? He is not at all concerned about the deals you found at the mall with his girlfriend, that you keep yaking about. He is only thinking about the deals he gets on the beach—a free show!
If your lady or man bits are out, we are all looking, and we will not pay attention to anything else. Kids are probably eaten whole by sharks because ocean rescue cannot stop drooling over naked bodies, to be bothered to save lives. Your nudity is killing people. Nude beaches are overrated.
The children, you always need to think about the children. My older sister, Sarah, was just a kid when she went on a fishing trip with my aunt and uncle. They were in Long Point, Ontario, Canada on Lake Erie. We grew up on Lake Erie, so we are used to the strict rules of Presque Isle. I.e. You cannot drink booze on any beach or bring rafts into the water. I suppose that was the reason for the shock my uncle received when he took Sarah to the beach, at Long Point, and everyone was butt naked!
My uncle had to distract Sarah by telling her to play on the sand dunes, and then con her into going to another beach. My uncle told my aunt what happened, and they hurried Sarah back across the border, far-far away from those creepy Canadians. Just kidding! I have no idea what they actually did. I was not born yet; I just like that story about stumbling upon a nude beach with my young sister.
Actually, I can think of quite a few Canadians I would like to see on that nudie beach. Do know that every hockey player that has ever existed is from Canada? Ahhh, to be 30 again and making out with Kris Letang. It feels like it will be an entire decade before I will experience anything like that again… but we are off topic. The children, we have to remember the children.
There is a lovely 6 km coastal walk in Sydney, Australia with many beaches and natural-water baths along the way. Everyone knows that I enjoy exploring new places, learning about the area, and taking lots of photos. That is exactly why I dedicated an entire day to the Bondi to Coogee Coastal Walk.
Near Coogee I had found what appeared to be a secluded and secret beach, a perfect photo opportunity. I could just spot a few people while peering over the cliffside. There was an actual entrance to this area with signs posted, that I ignored. I only wanted to catch a few shots of the water below and not actually enter the beach. Peering through bushes and maneuvering my camera to get a great snapshot, I just knew I had found a gem. Unbeknownst to me, I was snapping photographs of naked women at McIvers Baths! Apparently, this is a strict women-only bath club, where ladies like to sunbathe in the nude away from the general public. A gem indeed!
One good zoom on my phone and I immediately understood the dirty looks from passerby! I have no idea how I was not arrested for trying to get the ‘perfect shot’, as that quality image was clearly an up-close of tits. Until I realized what I was photographing, I looked like an utter pervert and voyeur. Certainly more repugnant than that Girls Gone Wild predator!
Unable to keep an embarrassing moment like that to myself, I came clean to some locals, who laughed their asses off at me. It was explained that, although children are welcome at the baths with their mothers, tourists are warned of the show their kids may receive when walking by McIvers. Something I could have easily realized by reading one sign. (In my defense, Australians put signs to warn about signs ahead. You start to block it out.)
Have fun on your family vacation when you stumble across a bunch of people in the buff, and you have to start answering endless questions to your annoyingly inquisitive children. Not such a relaxing holiday, is it? Let’s all hope dad isn’t wearing sweatpants on your family coastal walk. Nude beaches are overrated!
Obviously, I support travel and seeing the world for what it is—including unique beaches. If your dream is to go to a nudie beach, by all means! I am not bashing. I am simply expressing that clothing-free sandbars are not all that they are cracked up to be. I hope your package gets super tan and you feel airy & free, but you will come to realize how overrated the experience is, in the end.
If you believe that nude beaches are worth the attention, then feel free to explain in the comment section! Until then, no one is seeing my nipples.
To whom it may concern: you will be happy to know that I got my bag back from Africa!
I was not given any details about the incident. My backpack was sent on a flight back to the USA, and I was informed that a delivery driver would bring it to my house. There was nothing missing out of the bag, and it had not been searched or tampered with. It seemed to just appear out of thin air.
My GoPro was returned with my precious travel videos, and my many weeks worth of dirty underwear were still in the same pocket I placed them in. It was really no big deal, as I was visiting nude beaches around the world in preparation for this post, and I had zero need for underwear and clothes. All is well in my world.
2 Replies to “Why Nude Beaches are Overrated with Pictures to Prove It.”
Once again you did an exceptional job. Me and Scott could have given you a couple horror stories about our experience at a nude beach.
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